Dec 25, 2020
On the podcast this week, Steven and Sean are trampling neighbors, kicking asses, and blowing people up in this month’s festive B-movie bonus episode. We’re joining Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1996 film from Brian Levant, Jingle All the Way.
Man, screw Sinbad. That guy’s nothing but a world of trouble. I mean, who the heck screws another father over for a toy, threatens to explode him with a bomb, and nearly kills a kid? All in pursuit of a Turbo Man action figure? Not cool, man. Not cool. I’m calling it here first—that guy is a menace and can go screw.
If you ever see him walking down the street, you’d better find a doorway to duck into. Otherwise, you may be assaulted. Maybe. I mean, who knows? The guy’s probably a sweetheart, but his character in this film is a monster! I get it, you want to get your kid the hottest toy of the holiday season, but maybe you shouldn’t have waited until Christmas freaking Eve to do it? Maybe possibly?
For that matter, what the heck is up with Arnold in this film? He pulled the same nonsense! Sure sure, there’s a lot of comedy and pratfalls to be had here, but let’s get down to the real issue: these fathers are neglecting their families and resorting to desperation, dishonesty, and violence. There was also a potential case of grand theft toy on display. How do you break into a neighbor’s home and try to steal the action figure they got their kid? That’s low, man. Maybe you should have done what they did and went shopping for toys earlier in the year.
Sure, some of you may be thinking, “Hey guys, this is just a kid’s film. No need to get so up in arms over a fun bit of fiction. Get into the holiday spirit instead!” To that, we say, “Maybe you’re missing the bigger picture here!” This is a stark and damning portrayal of the horrors of the modern capitalist system in America. What, a man has to work his ass off all day, every day just to provide a decent life for his family, has to get into literal fights with other people in the hopes of claiming a neat toy, and gets into many harrowing scrapes with the law? And we’re just supposed to be okay with that? We say HELL NO to that! Down with that twisted vision of the present.
This is a dark and distressing film about one man’s dogged pursuit to earn the love of his wife and son in a society that only wants to drive its boot heel deeper into our collective necks. We shouldn’t just accept this treatment! We should dream of a brighter, happier future for us all, and not just The Man.
But hey, you’ve got Arnold’s always amazing accent, a drunk reindeer, and a happy ending, so I guess everything’s okay by the time the credits roll. There’s always that. Jeez…
(Recorded on November 02, 2020)
Links to Stuff We Mentioned: